I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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