Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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