Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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