I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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