even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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