It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Did I show you my penis last night?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
