He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
