I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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