I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
