So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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