I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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