Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
