My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
