Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
