I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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