I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
