I'd wear matching sweaters with you
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
