he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
