dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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