I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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