I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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