I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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