Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
