Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
