remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
