Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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