I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
