When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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