Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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