she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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