I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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