I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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