I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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