nut hugger
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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