the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
being pregnant is like rehab
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
