a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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