all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
