im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
