I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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