Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
