i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
