Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
