i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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