I looked at my own cervix.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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