My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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