It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
