Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
