i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
