her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was born a porn star she said
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
