She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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