you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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