No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
