God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
