I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
