just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
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reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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