Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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