Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
